Why do I care so much about what other people think?

“Who cares what other people think?!” Well, actually, I do...

For some people it is easy to go about their lives and not worry about other people’s opinions but for others, including me at various points in my life, the concern about how others view us and what they think of how we live our lives and the decisions we make can feel crippling. So, why do some of us care about what others think of us?

From a young age, we begin to be affected by the world around us and the views and judgements of the people in our lives. Some of the earliest views and expectations we encounter are likely to come from our caregivers, and we may learn that some behaviours are more likely to get us praise and positivity than others. And, in this way, we may begin to adapt and start to attribute words like “good” and “bad” to the things we do. For example, we learn that if we run around shouting we will be told to be quiet and our caregivers may become annoyed with us. So, in order to avoid a repeat of this, we adapt our behaviour and stop running around shouting.

As we get older we begin to encounter more people, each with their own set of values, opinions and judgements, and this gives us an even wider pool from which to learn which behaviours are “acceptable” and which aren’t.

On top of the people we meet in our day to day lives, we can also be impacted by society’s views and expectations. We may come across these while watching TV, reading a book, listening to a podcast, in song lyrics, and now of course through social media.

We can start to build up a picture of what a “good” person looks and behaves like, and more specifically what a good partner looks like, a good mum, a good friend, a good employee, etc. While some of these external influences may be helpful, because of course there are rules we must live by and ways to do certain things, often we can be influenced by things which aren’t fact but which might feel like they are. For example, is there really only one way to be a good mum? And does this mean that if we don’t fit the mould exactly, that you’re a bad mum?

When other people's voices become louder than our own…

Over time, as we absorb views and opinions from people and the world around us, we may begin to lose sight of our own voice and the line between what we really believe and what we think we should believe can become blurred. We might find ourselves feeling so preoccupied by what others think that we make decisions about our lives based on how they will look to other people, rather than whether they actually feel right for us.

This picture of how our life is supposed to look can feel so real and so strong, that when our life doesn’t end up looking that way, we can begin to worry that we’ve done something wrong or made a wrong choice along the way. This can create discomfort because there is an internal conflict between the life that feels right for us and the life that we believe other people are expecting us to be living.

So how do we stop worrying about what other people think?

It may be unrealistic to expect that you will stop caring about what other people think entirely, and perhaps that isn’t the aim. Instead, it’s about becoming more aware of whose voice we listen to most, and establishing whether this is helpful to us and serves us well, or whether making more room for our own voice is possible.

As a person-centred counsellor I’m not here to tell you which voices I think you should listen to, and which you should ignore…the last thing I want to do is add in more “shoulds” or for my voice to become one you feel you must listen to, as well as all the others.

Sometimes, just through voicing your thoughts and saying them aloud, you may notice that when said in your own voice a particular thought or opinion doesn’t feel as though it belongs to you. This then allows us to become curious about where that voice has come from, what it means to you, and whether it reflects what you really believe.

Can counselling help me worry less about what other people think?

Over time, having the space to hear your own thoughts more clearly may help you recognise which beliefs and expectations genuinely feel like yours. Other people's opinions may still matter to you, but perhaps they no longer feel like they drown out your own.

Nobody knows you and your life in quite the way that you do. Counselling can give you the space to explore what feels right for you, without somebody else adding another opinion about who you should be or how your life should look.

If worrying about what other people think is affecting how you feel about yourself or the choices you make, I offer person-centred counselling online and by telephone to women across the UK. You can get in touch to arrange a free introductory call and see whether working together might feel right for you.