When life doesn’t look the way you thought it would…

We all imagine our lives turning out a certain way…

That picture might change over time, but there are likely to be some fundamental things we assume we will have or experience as we go through life. So, when life doesn't end up looking the way we imagined it would, we can experience this as a kind of loss.

When it comes to my own experience of being a mum, for example, I never imagined that I would find myself no longer in a relationship with my child's father, or that I wouldn't be my child's primary parent. At times, that has been a bitter pill to swallow, even though I know that I've made decisions that are right for me.

The fact is, living a life that feels true to ourselves can be really hard.

There are so many external pressures and influences, and it seems to me that there is still a sense that there is a “right” and a “wrong” way to do life. It can sometimes feel easier not to rock the boat; to stay on the path that seems to be the one we're supposed to take, even when it makes us unhappy or doesn't allow us to be true to ourselves. It can also be difficult to ignore the opinions of others in our lives, who may genuinely want the best for us, but can only see the situation from their own perspective.

It can be a big ask to expect others to know what is happening for us, when we might not have a good understanding of what is happening within ourselves. Sometimes we might just have an instinct which tells us something isn’t quite right, or that something needs to change.

Choosing a different path doesn't necessarily mean we walk away from the one we expected without looking back…

We can know that something isn’t right for us but still grieve what it represented for us. We can feel happier in the life we're living now but wish that reaching this point had involved a different journey. We can feel proud of the decisions we've made while also feeling self-doubt and being unsure of whether we are allowed to feel that pride.

Sometimes our feelings can seem as though they don't make sense, and that can leave us feeling overwhelmed or confused. For example, we might think:

“I chose this, so am I allowed to feel sad about it?”

“Why do I still miss aspects of my old life if I'm happier now?”

“I know deep down that I’ve made the right decision, but what if I’ve made a mistake?”

These thoughts might feel contradictory, but perhaps they don't need to be resolved. Big decisions can bring both gains and losses, and acknowledging what we've lost doesn't mean the decision itself was wrong.

Of course, when we think about the life we thought we would have, it is just that — a life we imagined…

But that doesn't make the loss of it any less significant to us, or any less difficult to process. We can become deeply invested in an idea of what our life should look like, and this might lead to us staying in a relationship because we hold onto the hope that it will eventually become what we imagined it could be, staying in a certain job because changing career path feels like a failure, or pushing down uncomfortable thoughts and feelings because addressing them might mean something has to change...and that can be a daunting thought.

Sometimes we can stay in situations which aren’t working for us because we convince ourselves that it isn’t that bad, or it could be worse. There might not be a clear thought of “I'm unhappy” or “I need to do something differently”. There might simply be a feeling that something isn't quite right, and listening to that little voice inside ourselves can take courage, particularly when tuning into what it says could disrupt the life we've worked hard to build.

And even when we eventually choose a different path, we may still need to grieve the one we thought we were going to take.

What if there isn’t a right decision?

We may find ourselves waiting…waiting for the moment when we feel completely certain about what to do, or waiting until someone comes along and tells us that we are making the “right” decision…

But sometimes that certainty never comes.

We can weigh things up, talk to people we trust, write down a list of pros and cons, and spend hours going over the possibilities in our heads, but there are some decisions we make where we won’t know what the outcome of them will be until we get there.

So, perhaps it’s about accepting that it won’t always be possible to make the “perfect” decision. Perhaps it’s about understanding ourselves well enough to recognise what feels important to us, what our values are, what we're no longer willing to accept, and what we want our lives to look like, while also accepting that there may still be uncertainty, loss and difficult feelings along the way.

How can counselling help?

Navigating big life changes alone can be really hard, and sometimes we just need someone to talk things through with. Someone who isn't going to tell us what to do, who isn't going to interrupt while we’re talking to tell us what they would do if they were in a similar situation, but someone who is going to truly listen and try their best to understand things from your own unique perspective.

That's something person-centred counselling can offer.

As a counsellor, I am not here to tell you which path you should take. I am here to provide a space where you can talk openly, without having to take anyone else’s feelings into account, without having to worry about being judged, so that you have the opportunity to understand what's happening within you a little more clearly.

You might decide to come to counselling because you are contemplating a change, you’re in the middle of one, you’re adjusting to life after having made a change, or you could be grieving the life you thought you would have.

All of this is welcome in my counselling space.

Sometimes we just need a place where we are given the time and headspace to acknowledge that the life we're living isn't the one we imagined, and to begin to explore what we want from the life that comes next.

If some of this resonates with you, please get in touch.