Who gets to decide what your life “should” look like?

It can sometimes feel as though there are countless rules about how we’re supposed to live. These might include what a good mother should look like, what our relationship status should be by a certain age, what kind of career we should have, and what the ideal family set-up is.

So, where do these rules come from?

Often, they come from the society we live in and the expectations we absorb while growing up. They can also come from within our own families, through what we’re told is acceptable, or through how people respond when we stray from what is expected of us.

In person-centred counselling, we sometimes describe these expectations as “conditions of worth”. Over time, we may begin to believe that we are only worthy of love and acceptance when we behave in certain ways, make certain choices or achieve certain life milestones. Our need to feel loved and accepted can be so powerful that we find ourselves making choices to please other people, even when those choices aren’t what we truly want for ourselves.

It can be hard to switch off the external noise telling us who we should be and what we should do. In fact, turning down those outside voices and paying attention to what is really going on within us can feel incredibly daunting.

When meeting others’ expectations means losing ourselves.

Living a life that is acceptable to others may seem like the easiest way to avoid rocking the boat, but what happens to our sense of self when we repeatedly put those expectations before our own needs and feelings?

Over time, we may begin to lose touch with who we really are, leaving us feeling lost, disconnected or unsure of what we actually want. I speak from my own experience. For a long time, I pushed down my feelings and needs in order to live in the way I thought I was supposed to. Eventually, I made some significant life choices. At first, those changes were incredibly difficult to navigate. Looking back now, however, I can see that they were essential in allowing me to build a life that aligns more closely with my values and, most importantly, feels happy and fulfilling to me.

Making choices that are right for us doesn’t mean those choices will always feel easy. Sometimes, stepping away from what is expected of us can involve uncertainty, loss and difficult emotions, even when we know, somewhere within ourselves, that something needs to change.

When the direction of our life isn’t our choice

Our lives are often affected by circumstances beyond our control. For example, if a partner decides to end a relationship, we may experience a profound sense of loss. We may feel that we have lost not only the relationship and someone we cared about, but also the future we had imagined with that person. This can be especially difficult to bear when ending the relationship wasn’t our choice.

At other times, we may be the one who decides to leave because the relationship no longer feels healthy or right for us. Although we have made that decision ourselves, it can still feel as though circumstances beyond our control have left us with an impossible choice. Leaving can mean grieving the relationship, the life we built together and the future we once imagined.

The expectations we carry can also be reinforced by what we see around us.

Social media is full of people who appear to be living the perfect life. When we compare our reality with the carefully selected moments we see online, it can begin to feel as though our own lives are lacking, that we are missing out or somehow falling behind. Over time, this can affect our self-esteem and sense of worth.

How can counselling help?

Counselling provides a space where you can express your thoughts, feelings and needs without fear of judgement, and without worrying about letting someone down or saying the wrong thing. As a person-centred counsellor, I will listen with warmth and acceptance. At times, I may gently bring to your attention when it seems that other people’s hopes, opinions or judgements are becoming louder than your own voice.

I won’t tell you what choices to make. Instead, I will support you to pay closer attention to your own feelings, needs and values, giving your voice the space to be heard. Over time, this can help you develop a clearer sense of what feels right for you and what you want your life to look like.

If this resonates with you, you’re welcome to get in touch to arrange a free introductory call.