Are you someone who finds it hard to say no? Do you worry that by saying no you’re going to upset someone else or make them think badly of you? I’m here to tell you that you are not alone. This is a problem that I have sometimes, and a problem that many other people have too.
What is it about saying no that is so hard?
The answer to this question will be different for everyone. It could be about worrying you’ll let someone else down by saying no. It could be about not wanting the other person to think something bad about you or judge you in some way. It could be because you have always been the person who says yes and that is what is expected of you. Whatever the reason, saying no can be very hard for a lot of people.
A natural part of being a human is wanting to be accepted and liked by others, and we learn from a young age which behaviours and ways of being will make us more likely to receive praise, acceptance and love from others. Sometimes, the need to be liked and accepted is so strong that it means we do things we don’t really want to do because that feels more comfortable than potentially letting someone else down or making them think something negative about us.
What is the cost of saying yes to things we don’t want to do?
We may worry that saying no will cost us when it comes to our relationships. For example, if a friend invites you to go for some drinks and you say no, you may worry that they will think you’re boring or that they’ll be offended in some way, and maybe they won’t invite you out again. Or perhaps a family member asks if you can take them shopping because they are unable to drive, and you can’t fit it into your schedule but you say yes anyway just so the other person doesn’t think you’re unkind or selfish.
While it’s normal to have these concerns, and ok to value our friendships and relationships with family members, if we continually put our own needs at the bottom of the pile, there is a potential cost there as well…to ourselves.
By constantly pushing down our needs and our true feelings, we may gradually lose touch with them and feel like we are living purely for others. While this may feel more comfortable emotionally, because it may prevent us from feeling difficult things like guilt or shame, it might not be very good for our general wellbeing or for our sense of self.
Why does doing things we don’t want to do affect our sense of self?
If you can imagine yourself, free of the expectations and judgements of others, living a life that aligns with your needs, wishes and values, what comes to mind? If you are able to imagine this, it is possible that you have glimpsed your true self, the version of you that is most authentic and real. The more we behave in a way that goes against who we really are, the less in touch with our true self we become, and the more likely we are to feel some kind of dissatisfaction with our lives.
Does this just mean doing what you want and not caring about others?
No, it is possible to live a life that feels aligned to your needs and values and still be a “good” mum, dad, partner, daughter, son etc. Although, and this opens another potential can of worms, what is a “good” mum, dad, partner, daughter, son? That isn’t the focus of this blog but it is worth reflecting on what this means to you personally and whether you feel you are fulfilling the roles in your life in a way that feels right for you, or because you think it’s what you “should” do. The people we know, and society as a whole, can give us ideas about what we should do and it can feel like there is only one right way to live your life. However, this isn’t the case, and what you feel and what you want does matter.
How can you get more in touch with who you really are?
Counselling can provide a space just for you, a space which is unaffected by outside noise. It can give you the opportunity to really examine the beliefs you have about what saying no means, and where these beliefs have come from. It can provide a supportive environment for you to test out some new ideas and thoughts you have about the kind of life you would like to live, and how you would like to handle situations where you may usually feel inclined to say yes but would prefer to say no. What you test within the counselling space may then open the door for you to use what you have learned about yourself in “real life”. Throughout this process, during counselling sessions, I will there to support you and help you navigate any challenges you face along the way.
If you are curious about whether counselling could help you, please get in touch to arrange a free introductory call. You may not know whether counselling is for you but we can begin with a conversation.